How « normal » our society is?

Society No Comments »

To day is another day in our “normal” society… I just went and picked up a parcel at the post office. Customs charged me $1.74 of taxes on a free product (clearly, the concept of percentage is beyond those guys).

But that’s not all… In order to decide that I had to pay $1.74, they charged me an extra $5.00 of “custom handling fees”… Just don’t handle it, send it straight to my home…

 

There is bigger problem in our world, but I got to admit, paying handling fee so you can be taxed on a bunch of papers (that was my trainer renewal from Microsoft, just a certificate, a plastic card and some forms, again I did not bought it, this is free stuff) is bad enough. But paying more for the fee than the actual tax itself, is just plain stupid.

Well, at least they did not taxed me on the handling fees ;-)

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Dexter

Inner thoughts 4 Comments »

Dexter is a TV series shown on the SHOWTIME cable network (the CBS broadcast is edited, flee it). Reason I brought that here is that I did not know that series until very recently, my DBA Extraordinaire pointed me to it, and I must admit, it relates very well to SPD on some levels. Do keep in mind:

 

                1/ It’s a show, not reality.

                2/ Yes the main character is schizoid, but he is also a serial killer… Something statistically not prone to happen often since, let’s face it… there is no logic in it! (and yet in the storyline there is some logical reasons for him to be one, exquisitely fitting indeed.)

 

So don’t go mixing things, we are already saw as freaks more than our share… Back on subject:

You want to get to know a bit more what is inside the head of a schizoid? Well put aside the fact that Dexter idiosyncratic activity is killing, and enjoy the narrative tone of the series that is perfect to hear his thoughts. The series is an adaptation of the book “Darkly Dreaming Dexter” by Jeff LINDSAY. In the book the personage is a bit more sordid, a bit less on the SPD side, but the screen writer James MANOS Jr. definitively added schizoid twists to the main character. Here are my favorite picks from the first two episodes of Season 1:

 

Dexter presenting himself: “I feel like I have a hollow place inside. People fake a lot of human interaction, but I feel like I fake them all, I do it very well too… And that is my curse I guess…

 

Dexter’s boss has a crunch on him and has she winks at him, Dexter thinks ” I’d really like her to stop doing that, it’s one of those mating rituals which I really don’t understand…

 

Looking at an empty box of donuts: “Just like me, empty inside

 

Speaking of his foster sister: “She is really a sensible person, that’s why she is hiding behind a shell: So that people won’t see how sensible she is. Me, it’s quite the opposite, I use a shell so that people won’t see how sensible I am not…

Still about his sister: “I don’t have feelings about anything, but if I could have feelings at all, I’d have them for her”.

Speaking of his “girlfriend”: “She was rapped repeatedly and banged around by a crack addict hubby. Since then she has no interest in sex at all… that works for meq …

 

I haven’t get any further yet, but it is in the world of fiction, the closest thing I had seen to portraying schizoid traits (and again, please, put aside the serial killer thing).

 

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So… Skydiving, huh?

Activities, Encounters 3 Comments »

SkydiveWhat happens when you put a schizoid in a “thrilling” situation?

I honestly don’t know for schizoidS, but I can share with you the recent skydiving experience of your schizoid truly;-)

 

It really did not started as an experimentation of any kind, I went there open minded, more curious than anything else. But the way things played out, I thought it will be a good “scientific” kind of factual demonstration…

So picture this: 10 people skydiving for the first time. The occasion was given by a coworker, skydiver since 4 years now, and organizing a jump for the 40th birthday of one of his acquaintances. My wife always wanted to tried it, so two weeks ago I decided to put our names on the list.

Last Saturday, 12pm, a bunch of people, some I know from work, some I don’t know at all join for that first experience. Nobody is indifferent. Some are scared, some apprehend it a bit, some are so excited that they can barely stop laughing, others hide behind jokes (but I can feel their apprehension behind that shell of confidence, easily even). Me of course I am not at ease… Nothing to do with jumping though, but 10 people plus their relatives coming to witness the event, that is more than enough to occupy my brain during the wait.

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Over the week-end

Familly No Comments »

Turns out, I am harder to leave than one might think.

Apparently, my other half cannot imagine her life without me dixit herself… So I guess all is patch-up for now.

Just so you know, that puts me pretty much in same mood than the day she announced she wanted to leave. It is just one of the two possibilities her last talking could end up to. Either way I will have bounced back. But I have to admit it makes it more practical to move and leave the country as a whole rather than separately; Less paperwork and easier organization.

Terrific news for our daughter though (who never suspected anything).

 

Yes my wife is missing a lot of emotional comfort because of me, and with a big thing like moving out the country it is harder on her as she is looking for more support on my part to validate the decisions made and reassure her.

But, overall, looking at the state of average male behavior, I guess she did realize I am one of a kind; With my hideous flaws and with the better sides. It’s the whole package, can’t separate them and get only the good sides, it’ll be too easy.

If I was more “emotional”, I’ll be less “sentimental”, tricky difference I know, but that is what she loves in me. My calm, the way I see life so serene, and I am 100% reliable, when it really counts I am here and I am a pillar of rock thru tough situations. I might be absent/distant most of the regular time, but I will never let her go in any extreme situations, and she knows it: I don’t crack under pressure, and I cannot flee my responsibilities… For better or worse…

 

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The D word

Familly, Inner thoughts, Moods 6 Comments »

Here we are at that crossroad again… I have picked-up witting, and noticeably those past two weeks I have put a few urban poetic texts together (mostly in french, sorry).

 In one of them called “double nationality” I express my trouble coping with the changes to come, like “double nationality, feels for me like being a stranger in two countries“. Or ” Why can’t we have to hearts, one for your home town, and one for the magical city that welcomed you in your exile“…

My wife read it and even if the text by itself does not speak about family or me wanting or not to go back to France (it’s really just about how I feel I got no roots anymore, which is actually not even a bad feeling for me, ironically enough).

Then her reaction was: “It’s over! Since you seem more at ease writing the depth of your thoughts instead of speaking of it with the one that shared 14 years with you… I can’t take it anymore… Stay in you “magical city” alone I will go back with our daughter, you don’t need us as we are evidently a weight for you every single day…”

What can I say? She nailed it: YES it IS easier for me to WRITE my feelings down rather than TALK about them. And YES I don’t NEED anyone… When she’s right, she’s right…

And what did I do? I wrote another poem called “15 years”. How many women out there can say they are truly a muse for their husband like mine is? Too bad I can’t tell her…

And my thoughts as I write those lines are exactly: “what a bad timing, I have no more house end of June, the car is sold, and I have announced my departure at work, I wish she would have established that a little earlier while I had still something to keep me in my “magical city”, so next on my list: being a writer or leave for Sydney or for New-York… I guess I could write in both… Though I feel like writing in French, so maybe I’ll go back to Paris after all…”

Welcome in the thoughts of a schizoid…

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Instinct

Moods No Comments »

Song Lyrics (electro / dark)

 

I can no longer fight

The power of the moonlight.

Your sent is so distinct

It triggers my instinct

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Boogeyman

Moods No Comments »

Song lyrics  (electro / dark )

Deep in the belly of the earth

Is supposed to be the hideout of a beast

Living in the darkness beneath

who could engulf us all in a mist.

  Read the rest of this entry »

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A simple thing

Moods No Comments »

Song Lyrics (electro / dark)

So simple, yet complex :
Are you with me just for sex?

Why does it have to be a mess?

I just asked for NO or YES.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Trouble de la personnalité : schizoïde

Society No Comments »

Un bon post pour les francophones:

Le trouble de la personnalité schizoïde est un trouble de la personnalité grave.

Cette personne vit seule sans ressentir les conséquences de sa solitude. Elle ne manifeste aucun interêt pour les relations sociales. Elle n’est pas touchée par les marques de sympathie ou d’affection et n’exprime quasiment jamais ses émotions. Ses loisirs sont solitaires et son activité professionnelle est souvent indépendante

La personne schizoide, chez qui donc règne la peur inconsciente d’être présent et d’avoir à s’investir dans le monde concret, peut manifester des symptômes divers :

Lire la suite de cet article ->

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Idiosyncratic activities

Activities, Moods No Comments »

Well, I think you’ve all been witnessing what « Idiosyncratic activities » can do… Come on think… Well you’ve at least witnessed it right here, right now!

Me “off line” for over six weeks => idiosyncratic activities. I’ll explain:

People with SPD are prone to idiosyncratic activities – don’t feel bad to look it up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiosyncrasy, I had to open a dictionary myself, even with my Greek background… - Well for SPD, that basically means that schizoids are doing stuff turned toward themselves – no kidding!

Well in my case if you add just a little bit of obsessive-compulsive disorder and enough external factor that you want to occult (like, let’s say… moving back in France) it can result in a total lock down. Put the timelessness sensation on top of it and you can start to understand how I can be off radar for 6 weeks without having physically been gone anywhere or otherwise been sick.

I have those episodes once in a while. I mean I pretty much always have idiosyncratic activities, but from time to time it’s going overboard. Those times are the ones I could really turn into a hermit if I did not have a family to anchor me.

Those times are when my brain in stuck into ONE mode. The only thing I can focus on is the activity of the moment. Over the years, it has been as broad as writing books, designing web sites, tagging my MP3 collection, doing a 6000 pieces puzzle, etc…

Life during those periods can be resuming as follow:

  •  Wake up thinking of a new stuff about the activity, starting to implement the new idea until someone or something recall me to go to work.
  •  Commuting, thinking of my activity (noting stuff on paper or any electronic device accordingly), usually missing my stop, and then walking back to work.
  •  Doing my work on autopilot, my mind set on my thing.
  •  Skipping lunch (as I did breakfast), working on my thing during lunch.
  •  Autopilot work again.
  •  Same commuting (same missing stop half the time).
  •  Blurry family evening, can’t say what is at the dinner table, can’t hear a thing about what is exchanged around the table.
  •  Working on my thing all night until I literally fell from fatigue (usually 2 – 3 am).
  •  Dreaming exclusively about ways to improve/add/change things on my project.
  •  Repeat…

I am totally permeable to anything exterior. I can agree or disagree with things my wife is running by me without any recollection afterward. Work is just a big blur in the middle of my day – though apparently I can still manage to disarm critical situations, do not ask me how, I must be “that” good at my work… -

Once the “thing” is done, only then do I realize the amount of time passed, how hard it as been on my family, and what I have to pick up the slack for (studies, work, laundry, email…)

It’s not all bad – at least for me -. Some good things are coming out of this sometimes; like books, learning a lot of things (pretty sure I won’t be a system engineer nowadays otherwise)…

For you it will probably just appear as a big black hole in the blog. If it is under three months, then I am not dead yet. If it runs longer than that… You can start worrying if you wish…

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