A schizoid personality

Turns out, I am harder to leave than one might think.

Apparently, my other half cannot imagine her life without me dixit herself… So I guess all is patch-up for now.

Just so you know, that puts me pretty much in same mood than the day she announced she wanted to leave. It is just one of the two possibilities her last talking could end up to. Either way I will have bounced back. But I have to admit it makes it more practical to move and leave the country as a whole rather than separately; Less paperwork and easier organization.

Terrific news for our daughter though (who never suspected anything).

Yes my wife is missing a lot of emotional comfort because of me, and with a big thing like moving out the country it is harder on her as she is looking for more support on my part to validate the decisions made and reassure her.

But, overall, looking at the state of average male behavior, I guess she did realize I am one of a kind; With my hideous flaws and with the better sides. It’s the whole package, can’t separate them and get only the good sides, it’ll be too easy.

If I was more “emotional”, I’ll be less “sentimental”, tricky difference I know, but that is what she loves in me. My calm, the way I see life so serene, and I am 100% reliable, when it really counts I am here and I am a pillar of rock thru tough situations. I might be absent/distant most of the regular time, but I will never let her go in any extreme situations, and she knows it: I don’t crack under pressure, and I cannot flee my responsibilities… For better or worse…

Related posts

• BIG mistake (3)
• The D word (1)
• Sold! (1)
• Road rage (1)
• Filial bonds (1)

Here we are at that crossroad again… I have picked-up witting, and noticeably those past two weeks I have put a few urban poetic texts together (mostly in french, sorry).

 In one of them called “double nationality” I express my trouble coping with the changes to come, like “double nationality, feels for me like being a stranger in two countries“. Or ” Why can’t we have to hearts, one for your home town, and one for the magical city that welcomed you in your exile“…

My wife read it and even if the text by itself does not speak about family or me wanting or not to go back to France (it’s really just about how I feel I got no roots anymore, which is actually not even a bad feeling for me, ironically enough).

Then her reaction was: “It’s over! Since you seem more at ease writing the depth of your thoughts instead of speaking of it with the one that shared 14 years with you… I can’t take it anymore… Stay in you “magical city” alone I will go back with our daughter, you don’t need us as we are evidently a weight for you every single day…”

What can I say? She nailed it: YES it IS easier for me to WRITE my feelings down rather than TALK about them. And YES I don’t NEED anyone… When she’s right, she’s right…

And what did I do? I wrote another poem called “15 years”. How many women out there can say they are truly a muse for their husband like mine is? Too bad I can’t tell her…

And my thoughts as I write those lines are exactly: “what a bad timing, I have no more house end of June, the car is sold, and I have announced my departure at work, I wish she would have established that a little earlier while I had still something to keep me in my “magical city”, so next on my list: being a writer or leave for Sydney or for New-York… I guess I could write in both… Though I feel like writing in French, so maybe I’ll go back to Paris after all…”

Welcome in the thoughts of a schizoid…

Related posts

• How schizoid? (4)
• Consciousness (3)
• Why the site? Why now? (2)
• Why me? (2)
• We know the effects, but what are the causes? (2)

 I have been asked if schizoids were conscience they were hurting people, not just buy not giving enough attention, but more especially while leaving their close ones…I can’t answer for them, but I can tell you this about me: Yes I am conscious I “hurt” people’s feelings (I would not hurt a fly), and that I will hurt my wife and daughter if leaving them.

As going as far as to living your family, well, I believe once gone, it is hard to come back. See most people will get tired of the loneliness; figure what they are missing after a few days away (and after having partied all their soul. Basically they get it out of their system then realize they just can’t live alone). But not me… The sad truth is the longer apart, the longer alone, and the best can I appreciate being distant from my family.

Being alone is extremely liberating, and when it happens, I forget my family almost instantly… I enter my bubble, I am all alone with my schedule and activities, most of the time I don’t hear the phone anymore and easily enter into a timeless state where a day can go by without me noticing it: that’s how deep I can introvert and be in my thoughts with no one around.

But conscience there is, yes. When comes the time to go back to the real world (eating, shopping, etc…) It’s like waves of conscience, coming and going. Personally, I can even feel guilt (like putting 4000 miles between me and my mom who lives alone), but I quickly rationalize it, dismiss it, put it under wrap until the next wave…

Of course at some culminant points, the adding of it all could make some waves pretty hurtful. Then extreme melancholy (which I cannot express, even if all alone by myself), sadness, guilt… it all turns into an hurtful ball in my chest, then comes the emptiness, and at that point the line is very very thin and slippery to fall into clinical depression…

So the choice is dealing with conscience of hurting people or dealing with feelings to not hurt pepople, and I am way more equipped to deal with conscience issues than with feelings and proximity. I can dissect my conscience, play with it, turn it around, understand it, and justify it, so that with enough work it will not wake any dormant feelings on the next wave… So yes, there is clear conscience on my part, and I do understand that I “hurt” others in the process of being distant, or worst; leaving. Yet I cannot care much (understanding and caring are two different things) because I know the others don’t have any conscience of what I go thru…

That is my plague: I know I am “the villain” (by common standards), but I cannot change it (by my standards), cannot explain it especially to those I hurt (because they of course are emotional about it, and I just can’t go there), and very few people can understand it… (It will be like an atheist trying to convince a theist to lose faith or a theist trying to convince an atheist to have faith… pointless…)

I have been alone (usually 1 or 2 weeks while my wife and daughter go on vacations earlier than me), and I have felt the urge to stay that way, terribly!

But I am pretty balanced, and it’s like a switch I flip: “Alone/Family”. So when the time is up, I flip the switch, get in the plane and join my family (I usually need the trip to readjust properly).

It’s the “getting the switch to work” part that is tricky, and I understand perfectly why it will not work for others. There is a degree of knowing oneself implied, and I think I was lucky, from my education, to be able to look at and criticized myself constructively at a young age. Aside from that, probably only therapy could bring that degree of understanding and control…

I do walk a very fine line while putting myself into the position of being alone, or more exactly I put my family on a very fine line, every time there is a chance the switch won’t flip back… Yet, I truly believe I need those moments too, it’s part of my neutral self and perpetual paradoxical personality: I need to flirt with it, just enough to know I am right not to fall completely…

Related posts

• How schizoid? (4)
• The D word (3)
• Why me? (2)
• We know the effects, but what are the causes? (2)
• The other personality disorders (2)

Je suis comme un électron et tu es mon noyau, mon centre.

Sans toi j’errerais sans but comme un bateau sans son ancre.

Il est certes peu d’endroits où je me sente bien,

mais l’un de ces havres est au creux de tes seins.

Et si je suis froid, souvent distant,

j’ai aussi mes pulsions par moment;

Dans la cuisine au détour d’un comptoir,

ou au sommet des escaliers, comme un promontoire,

c’est une main dans le cou

ou un simple bisou

qui révèle en cet instant

ce que je ressens vraiment.

Alors à ceux qui te demandes si ton mari t’aime,

dis leurs qu’il t’aime plus que tous ces maris bohêmes.

Dis leur qu’il ne boit pas pour t’oublier

et que jamais il ne t’a ni ne pourrait te tromper.

Et s’ils te demandent s’il est tendre est attentionné

dis leur que non, mais qu’il a le mérite de le savoir et d’essayer.

Dis leur que ça le ronge, dis leur qu’il a mal

et que même s’il pleure à l’écrit, rien n’y fait à l’oral.

Et puis non tiens, ne leur dis rien, il s’en fout

tout ce qu’il veut c’est t’avoir au creux de son cou.

Related posts

• No related posts.

Yes, the house is sold, after 35 visits in 6 days… Honestly I was not home most of the week-end; we went to lunch out on Saturday and stayed out. And on Sunday while my wife and my daughter went to two birthday parties, I went off for one of my legendary movie day (only 3 movies though, so pretty slow day, I had no car so was forced to stay in the same theatre). Actually I came back home by -26C (a 25-30 minutes’ walk), that’s how much I needed the movies after this week…

Yesterday we reviewed the offers, one could not be passed on, so we concluded the deal (420kCAN$, very good, actually the standing record, for a three bedrooms in our street). I finished this endeavour with irritations on the right hand, some kind of eczema most probably due to all that agitation in my own home for the past days (see even if I think I did pretty well psychologically, my body reacted to all those peoples like they were an allergen ).

My wife was ecstatic (she was thinking we’ll get between 375k and 400k).
I was just glad to see our agent leave (after having to make small talks for an hour waiting for the other party to come and sign the papers) knowing that now I can take a crap without asking myself how much time I have left to squeeze it before someone enters…

Related posts

• Over the week-end (1)
• Back to France (1)

No it’s not Amityville, it’s my home… I was not prepared… Four to five visits yesterday and the same the day before…

Now I can deal with the occasional repair guy checking the furnace or the meters, as I am aware long in advance of his coming, and he is usually in one place of the house when I am in another for the duration of his work. But 15 minutes notice to get perfect strangers roaming in the entire premises for half an hour was a shock!
I could not block, I could not think straight, I could not focus, I even think I just panicked at a point (reading emails that I had already read previously)… I am not used to fake or use all my artillery in my own house, I am telling you it felt like I was 20 years back thru time, when I had poor control and was easily overwhelmed by people!
Hart beat up the roof, sweating, hands slightly shaking, cold along the spine… All long forgot symptoms that came rushing back at me for some insane reasons.

Related posts

• No related posts.

 Well the North America adventure was great but we decided it was time to go back. We’ve been talking about it since last summer. And we finally decided that for our daughter it is best to do it during summer break, for evident schooling reasons.So next summer we’ll be back in France. We already put the house for sale with an occupancy date of June, 30^th.

I got nothing against going back per say. What I feel very uncomfortable with are the administrative tasks ahead, and the awful lot of social thing to take care of… Selling the furniture (Craigslist is my best friend, minimum interaction with people), the car, the house… Closing accounts, dealing with pension and education plans… And then of course the finding of a new home, new job, and… Be closer to family members… I have already been pretty clear that there will not be any “family weekends” on a permanent 7 days rotation schedule! Otherwise I’ll move to Australia next time, and quick! Read the rest of this entry »