A schizoid personality

Here we are at that crossroad again… I have picked-up witting, and noticeably those past two weeks I have put a few urban poetic texts together (mostly in french, sorry).

 In one of them called “double nationality” I express my trouble coping with the changes to come, like “double nationality, feels for me like being a stranger in two countries“. Or ” Why can’t we have to hearts, one for your home town, and one for the magical city that welcomed you in your exile“…

My wife read it and even if the text by itself does not speak about family or me wanting or not to go back to France (it’s really just about how I feel I got no roots anymore, which is actually not even a bad feeling for me, ironically enough).

Then her reaction was: “It’s over! Since you seem more at ease writing the depth of your thoughts instead of speaking of it with the one that shared 14 years with you… I can’t take it anymore… Stay in you “magical city” alone I will go back with our daughter, you don’t need us as we are evidently a weight for you every single day…”

What can I say? She nailed it: YES it IS easier for me to WRITE my feelings down rather than TALK about them. And YES I don’t NEED anyone… When she’s right, she’s right…

And what did I do? I wrote another poem called “15 years”. How many women out there can say they are truly a muse for their husband like mine is? Too bad I can’t tell her…

And my thoughts as I write those lines are exactly: “what a bad timing, I have no more house end of June, the car is sold, and I have announced my departure at work, I wish she would have established that a little earlier while I had still something to keep me in my “magical city”, so next on my list: being a writer or leave for Sydney or for New-York… I guess I could write in both… Though I feel like writing in French, so maybe I’ll go back to Paris after all…”

Welcome in the thoughts of a schizoid…

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Well, I think you’ve all been witnessing what « Idiosyncratic activities » can do… Come on think… Well you’ve at least witnessed it right here, right now!

Me “off line” for over six weeks => idiosyncratic activities. I’ll explain:

People with SPD are prone to idiosyncratic activities – don’t feel bad to look it up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiosyncrasy, I had to open a dictionary myself, even with my Greek background… - Well for SPD, that basically means that schizoids are doing stuff turned toward themselves – no kidding! –

Well in my case if you add just a little bit of obsessive-compulsive disorder and enough external factor that you want to occult (like, let’s say… moving back in France) it can result in a total lock down. Put the timelessness sensation on top of it and you can start to understand how I can be off radar for 6 weeks without having physically been gone anywhere or otherwise been sick.

I have those episodes once in a while. I mean I pretty much always have idiosyncratic activities, but from time to time it’s going overboard. Those times are the ones I could really turn into a hermit if I did not have a family to anchor me.

Those times are when my brain in stuck into ONE mode. The only thing I can focus on is the activity of the moment. Over the years, it has been as broad as writing books, designing web sites, tagging my MP3 collection, doing a 6000 pieces puzzle, etc…

Life during those periods can be resuming as follow:

•  Wake up thinking of a new stuff about the activity, starting to implement the new idea until someone or something recall me to go to work.
•  Commuting, thinking of my activity (noting stuff on paper or any electronic device accordingly), usually missing my stop, and then walking back to work.
•  Doing my work on autopilot, my mind set on my thing.
•  Skipping lunch (as I did breakfast), working on my thing during lunch.
•  Autopilot work again.
•  Same commuting (same missing stop half the time).
•  Blurry family evening, can’t say what is at the dinner table, can’t hear a thing about what is exchanged around the table.
•  Working on my thing all night until I literally fell from fatigue (usually 2 – 3 am).
•  Dreaming exclusively about ways to improve/add/change things on my project.
•  Repeat…

I am totally permeable to anything exterior. I can agree or disagree with things my wife is running by me without any recollection afterward. Work is just a big blur in the middle of my day – though apparently I can still manage to disarm critical situations, do not ask me how, I must be “that” good at my work… -

Once the “thing” is done, only then do I realize the amount of time passed, how hard it as been on my family, and what I have to pick up the slack for (studies, work, laundry, email…)

It’s not all bad – at least for me -. Some good things are coming out of this sometimes; like books, learning a lot of things (pretty sure I won’t be a system engineer nowadays otherwise)…

For you it will probably just appear as a big black hole in the blog. If it is under three months, then I am not dead yet. If it runs longer than that… You can start worrying if you wish…

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I am in New-York for the week, for pleasure. So my curiosity brings me face to Liberty Island, and of course, ticket in hand I go for the ferry.

Before boarding goes the whole security measures thing that are now everywhere in NY it seems. I understand how two planes crashing in two of your biggest towers can bring a certain feeling of insecurity, and even if I don’t particularly appreciate those measures, I am civilized enough to comply. Of course “no weapons allowed” makes me smile when I am in the country by excellence where firearms are legal and can be purchased in drugstores… When it does not make me smile anymore is when my multifunction pocket knife is now tagged as “a weapon”, I personally can hardly consider that small pliers and retractable tools thing a “weapon”, the knife part is hardly as wide as my hand and can barely cut a slice of bread… Honestly you should check my hands; they are by far a more efficient “weapon”…

Anyway, I can check my pocket knife and get it back on my way back (like I did for the empire state building yesterday) right? Well guess again! Not here, no sir, not for the ferry to Liberty Island you can’t… I had the nice lady striping me down get an officer who told me (looking at my knife like it was a war machine) “Sir, you cannot board with this, and if I take it you won’t get it back…” (why is that, it falls into a dark portal beyond the twilight zone?)

Amazing, this occurred right in front of the statue of liberty. Does they know “liberty” (liberté) means freedom in French?

Well one thing I know for sure, stupidity (stupidité) means the same both in English and French…

Note on terrorism: USA was one of the last occidental countries to be hit. I was in France in the years of “TERROR!!” (well of course French people never used such a dramatic word) 10 to 15 years ago, when bombs were exploding in the subway on a monthly basis, or were found in front of schools, department stores and such… I lived thru that, probably did not hit CNN as much as 11/09, but overall the toll in human life was close to the WTC tragedy. So I understand “security”, but I still can’t excuse stupidity…

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French have the nasty habit of copying the US. Usually a few years down the road, and sadly, usually not copying the better sides of it… They got trash TV, fast food, credit cards, people magazines… But It still takes 3 years to create a company, any invention finishes in a drawer or is ultimately exploited by others (microchip, HDTV [yes 20 years ago D2MAC transmitted thru national satellites!!!], so many medical researches that I lost count, etc…), and of course you progress in work thru age instead of efficiency (very annoying because honestly elder does not necessarily mean better…)

Paradoxically, every generation (around 25 years) The French reject a big part of that flawed legacy. For example hamburger fast food are not trend anymore, they adapted the concept, something like, fast-fine cuisine. And very recently new laws came out to protect cultural programs on national TV.

It’s due to the fact that France is the native birth of the critic philosophical movement. And over there, you criticize only what you know… So they have to copy / use the stuff for a while, then have the critic process, then discard it. Of course it is now a very long process in our era of Internet and fast communication, and it leaves some serious tracks in the economy some times.

Which is why I stand today, asking, begging my follow French citizens: DO NOT WAIT 25 YEARS, WE GOTTA MOVE FASTER NOW. Example:

“Le nouvel observateur” (French information press magazine) is turning American (trash people magazine) with its “sarkomania”, even going up to intercept and publish text messages from the president and his ex-wife. WE DON’T FREAKING GIVE A RAT’S ASS what the president personal life is, never did, never should. We had presidents with “out of wedding locks” kids, we had divorced presidents, gay mayors, never mattered! They are here to make the country work not to give us life lessons…

An American president has some fun with a cigar, it makes the world news for a year, fine, it’s the States… But jeez, not in France!! Not in the country of libertinage!

So please, don’t wait 25 years, we already know it’s absurd so act now: Cancel your subscription, send them resumes for journalist jobs (obviously they are missing a lot of good ones), ask for their subventions to be downgraded to a non-informational magazine (like porn and commercial magazines). You want to be Americans? Well prove you have what it takes; move your ass and ACT NOW!

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