We humans, never learn it seems…. Ok picture this: My wife and I are a bit on the fritz because I was particularly “distant” those past 3-4 weeks. (Imagine that).
I do have some of those streaks where it is “worse” than usual. I mean there was the decision to go back in France, I already forsee hordes of stranger visiting my home for sale (yark!)… Sure, I went a bit deeper to cope with all that.
It’s not the first time, and usually I resurface, we reconnect slowly and are back on tracks after a bit of a discussion about why obsessed me lately. Tonight we had that reconnection process well on the way when I totally fucked it up… I told her!
Shit man, after 14 years together, and at least 20 passed introverting, you would think I’d know better!!!
Sure my wife knows I am not the “regular Joe” (and used to like that about me). Sure, twice I tried to express those feelings for her and my inaptitude to express my love more “normally” (twice it ended up with me pretty messed up, mumbling, physically incapable of explaining a thing, and as I already mentioned, I even had to write a note the last time…)
Yet, she did not know about SPD… And today I was able to stay calm, articulate, but could not go too far emotionally either, so I told her about SPD…
What do you know… I of course should have kept my mouth shut! Fuck, first time in 14 years I try to express something “true” without “faking” being happy or sad, and bam! Comes and bite me in the ass!
Now she thinks:
- My husband is a freak.
- I got a maniac in my house that could “explode anytime” (her words) and decide to turn berserker on his family (jeez pretty much the only personality disorder with zero anger issues AND zero self destruction traits).
- “It’s too easy, you can’t have all the good sides of having a family and reject the others” (her words again) - Yeah that is really EASY for me! Especially when I cannot “enjoy” those “good things”. Glad you understand my situation…
Like I am hiding behind SPD now… Though I did a pretty good job not hiding behind it the past 14 years, no?
Something tells me now if SPD is gonna be used by someone, it ain’t gonna be me…
Off course I know I am the wrong doer, I am not stupid, I just have SPD after all… I will take any blame for anything that comes. It’s not even the point of that post… The point is: YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN, NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS, NEVER EXPECT TO BE UNDERSTOOD, AND KEEP TO YOURSELF!! (all things that I did to the letter for 20 years and counting, I guess you never have a break with SPD, it’s ok I have learn my lesson…)
“it’s nothing honey, sorry I was a bit preoccupied, I was just juggling with some concepts for a new book idea that I have, you know how it is…Let’s watch some TV, and have sex.” (that lie would have worked, go figure).
At least one thing is sure now: I am wearing full armor for a while… You could drop a couple of bomb A next door that I would not raise an eyebrow…
February 1st, 2008 at 15:51
“YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN, NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS, NEVER EXPECT TO BE UNDERSTOOD, AND KEEP TO YOURSELF”. That’s my motto.
Nothing good has ever come of telling people you are schizoid, even your closest ones.
February 1st, 2008 at 16:43
Joel, I wish I had thought this thru BEFORE… It’s not like I could not have kept it for another 14 years… She asked, I answered.
May 1st, 2008 at 19:23
Wow. Just like when I “told” my closest relative. In typical schizoid fashion, I printed out the wiki page and handed it to them. “Are you going to kill me in my sleep?” is the response I get. And then to tell them that it’s really their fault…can’t do it. They’re too stupid. Whoops…this is an awfully long comment.
May 1st, 2008 at 21:52
Don’t worry about the lentgh of your comments, I don’t charge per line
Makes Joel right again “Nothing good has ever come of telling people you are schizoid, even your closest ones.”
Isn’t he the wise one ?