I have been asked if schizoids were conscience they were hurting people, not just buy not giving enough attention, but more especially while leaving their close ones…I can’t answer for them, but I can tell you this about me: Yes I am conscious I “hurt” people’s feelings (I would not hurt a fly), and that I will hurt my wife and daughter if leaving them.
As going as far as to living your family, well, I believe once gone, it is hard to come back. See most people will get tired of the loneliness; figure what they are missing after a few days away (and after having partied all their soul. Basically they get it out of their system then realize they just can’t live alone). But not me… The sad truth is the longer apart, the longer alone, and the best can I appreciate being distant from my family.
Being alone is extremely liberating, and when it happens, I forget my family almost instantly… I enter my bubble, I am all alone with my schedule and activities, most of the time I don’t hear the phone anymore and easily enter into a timeless state where a day can go by without me noticing it: that’s how deep I can introvert and be in my thoughts with no one around.
But conscience there is, yes. When comes the time to go back to the real world (eating, shopping, etc…) It’s like waves of conscience, coming and going. Personally, I can even feel guilt (like putting 4000 miles between me and my mom who lives alone), but I quickly rationalize it, dismiss it, put it under wrap until the next wave…
Of course at some culminant points, the adding of it all could make some waves pretty hurtful. Then extreme melancholy (which I cannot express, even if all alone by myself), sadness, guilt… it all turns into an hurtful ball in my chest, then comes the emptiness, and at that point the line is very very thin and slippery to fall into clinical depression…
So the choice is dealing with conscience of hurting people or dealing with feelings to not hurt pepople, and I am way more equipped to deal with conscience issues than with feelings and proximity. I can dissect my conscience, play with it, turn it around, understand it, and justify it, so that with enough work it will not wake any dormant feelings on the next wave… So yes, there is clear conscience on my part, and I do understand that I “hurt” others in the process of being distant, or worst; leaving. Yet I cannot care much (understanding and caring are two different things) because I know the others don’t have any conscience of what I go thru…
That is my plague: I know I am “the villain” (by common standards), but I cannot change it (by my standards), cannot explain it especially to those I hurt (because they of course are emotional about it, and I just can’t go there), and very few people can understand it… (It will be like an atheist trying to convince a theist to lose faith or a theist trying to convince an atheist to have faith… pointless…)
I have been alone (usually 1 or 2 weeks while my wife and daughter go on vacations earlier than me), and I have felt the urge to stay that way, terribly!
But I am pretty balanced, and it’s like a switch I flip: “Alone/Family”. So when the time is up, I flip the switch, get in the plane and join my family (I usually need the trip to readjust properly).
It’s the “getting the switch to work” part that is tricky, and I understand perfectly why it will not work for others. There is a degree of knowing oneself implied, and I think I was lucky, from my education, to be able to look at and criticized myself constructively at a young age. Aside from that, probably only therapy could bring that degree of understanding and control…
I do walk a very fine line while putting myself into the position of being alone, or more exactly I put my family on a very fine line, every time there is a chance the switch won’t flip back… Yet, I truly believe I need those moments too, it’s part of my neutral self and perpetual paradoxical personality: I need to flirt with it, just enough to know I am right not to fall completely…
February 26th, 2008 at 20:13
Wow do I understand this. We might have totaly different personalities traits that have been “defined”/”labeled” but man are there some similarities. Let me just say I understand and live with many parts of what you say more than you’ll ever know. Especially teatering on the depression fence. Always a fine line!
February 29th, 2008 at 12:52
Yes, I know, but at least you got meds
The reasons are quite different but the end game is the same on the depression’s side.
And I suspect on the wanting to be “free” part, I know you must have feared for your family at some point, that you could just desapear one day and never come back… Again not for the same reasons, but the result and part of the battle are the same… You just have to BLOW some steam, while I have to tuck it in
March 18th, 2008 at 23:40
Heredity (spelled wrong I’m sure)
WEll is your disorder heriditary? You know my daughter has had what I believed to be a tic for quite some time, 2 + years. Everybody said it was nothing. ENT doctors couldn’t identify a cause… “Oh alergies, a cold etc. etc. etc.” but throat clearing is a symptom of tourette’s which they feel I also suffer from and my father as well as he stutters and I used to also as well as throat clearing for years. Anyhow the throat clearing stopped “youppie” a few months ago… Well guess what, eye rolling and one eye blinking has replaced it. FAWKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKk Anyhow I just needed to release some tension. You know who I am so this was good place to vent…
YOURS TRULY the medicated BIPOLAR/MANIC/OCD/POSSIBLE TOURETTE’S/ADHD ETC.ETC.ETC. DBA … but hey what are lables
March 19th, 2008 at 20:15
Some theroie point toward possible hereditary disposition for SPD (and other disorders). But in the case of SPD, it’s just too damn rare in the overall population to get real studies…
For tourette though, some neat papers like here http://healthlink.mcw.edu/article/1031002536.html tend to correlate some hereditary pointers, but this will not be the only factor into developing it fully…
And yes, you sure can vent here, I am not big on censorship
March 19th, 2008 at 20:33
Well I’m much better today. Got over the initial shock and am just making sure to not let her see that I might be a little stressed about it
and not read to much into it. The fact of the matter is that I got past my tics and she has gotten past one also. She just needs to relax. The positive thing is that she is happy, has good group of friends, is socialy adapted, plays team sports and sticks up for herself and others and is very confident. Most importantly is that she doesn’t let the “just blinking” bother her. Anyhow thanks again!
July 14th, 2008 at 1:19
What of consciousness, after reading the article on apathy, I’ve to say that occasionally I get this urge to try and make people understand the schizoid way of life… it just doesn’t take long to rationalize it and dismiss the whole idea as pointless. Oh… I’ve tried too, just to satisfy my curiosity and to see just how puzzled others can get trying to grasp even the least perplexing details of enjoying solidarity
On another note on hereditary conditions. I never got to personally know either of my parent’s family, not that I’d have cared either. But! I’ve heard that I was born under emergency cesarean, because my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. Unfortunately I can’t find the article, but apparently minor brain damage due to lack of oxygen in the brain before and/or during birth has been linked with symptoms similar to SPD and the likes. Starting to manifest quite early in childhood when the parts of the brain associated with these disorders are at their peak growth rates. Too much damage and we’ve got ourselves murderers… seems to be a fine line there. Though, not quite contingent with this study, I used to be overly sensitive and had bouts of crying. I didn’t ever understand why I started / couldn’t stop crying and to make things worse, I was often told off repeatedly. I suddenly learned to consciously suppress these feelings to the point of not having cried since I was six-something (yes, suddenly, since I can’t remember there being a transition between bouts and not crying over every little thing.) My best guess is, it was right about when I learned to force myself awake from a bad dream when I was getting closer to seven. Consequently I’ve never had nightmares since and have had plenty lucid dreams in return, yay! Yes, I’ve “cried” intentionally under social pressure to help alleviate the anxiety of other parties. See? Conscious!
As I was picked on for years in school, other emotions soon followed the list to be suppressed intentionally. Duh, it seemed like a smart thing to do back then >_< It’s not that I can’t put on a mask of pretense, but it’s very exhausting, not to mention the ever present question “why do I bother?” Then there’s this funny detail about not feeling feelings and emotions consciously, I can only observe how they affect my body through subconsciousness. That is, unless things get bad enough for a fit of sudden rage lasting for only a few seconds. My cellphone survived hitting the well though.
My first realization of being schizoid was some five-six years ago, when I stumbled upon a “personality quiz” pertaining the assumption that there are more profound reasons to my mental condition, other than just being a slightly depressed social misfit. Though, later at elementary school, I can remember wondering why I was always the one who didn’t quite enjoy doing things with others, preferring solitary activities, like introspection and trying to figure out how things work instead. There aren’t really any sudden changes, just a slow and occasionally painful journey to what I am today.
My two €uro cents, they ain’t worth exchanging…
July 14th, 2008 at 22:42
If I could, I’d feel you Kuro.
No doubt it is a slow and painful journey. No doubt I know exactly what is at the end of it, best case scenario being dying…
I’ll take your two €uro cents though, I can use them now