A few weeks ago, as I was emerging from the basement, I heard my seven year old daughter ask my wife, with a little voice: “Pourquoi papa il me parle pas? Il est en colère? Il m’aime plus?” -> “Why doesn’t daddy talk to me much? Is he angry? Doesn’t daddy love me anymore?”…
And now your first insight in my schizoid mind:The whole “no feelings” thing the “oh look at me I am so tough being completely shielded from emotions” shit… It’s completely false! As a matter of fact it is quite the opposite: I DO FEEL, OH I DO FEEL SO VERY MUCH!! And I bet anyone reading this that I feel a 100 times more deeply than you’ll ever do (well maybe not for fellow schizoids who dug deep enough into themselves to understand what I am talking about).
Why do you think I block it, why do you think I distance myself from it: Because it is so very painful, no strike that, so very DANGEROUS. The pain I could take, but my heart stopping pounding, or my brain exploding, that I can take it only once… And that is exactly what letting a flux of emotions entering or leaving me without proper checking, compartmenting and selecting will do to me!
Here the trade’s secret of the day: The coldness is pure defence mechanism to battle my oversensitivity… So when my daughter said that to my wife, I felt it, I felt it good… Until I discarded it half a second later.
Yes, I do feel, but punctually. And when I do, it better be short. (Maybe more details later, can’t right now)
January 28th, 2008 at 17:09
I agree. I get teary-eyed with most fiction I read or watch, which is one of the reasons I enjoy it so much. I unconsciously divert my emotions in social settings since as long as I can remember, but good stories trigger them. I identify with the saying, if you can call it that, “I’m afraid to start crying, as I might never stop”.
January 28th, 2008 at 19:51
Yep you are not alone there Joel. Music, good movie scenes, well written story, they will get me (I will let them in) because it is under control, I am physically and mentally prepared to receive those emotions. And you are right, properly dosed they are delectable
January 28th, 2008 at 20:05
i worry about how it will effect your daughter…
January 28th, 2008 at 21:00
I do to, specially now, around 7 years old the “dad” is supposed to be the role model. I was able to create a bond thru various things (hum I should post on that), but now it is going to get tricky emotionally speaking… I’ll be totally honest; this is the episode that pushed me to create the blog. For some obscure reasons, I think I am doing it as some sort of weird legacy (already fantasized her discovering my ramblings and “understanding” me…) It is one step forward at least. And I’ll do my best.
May 27th, 2009 at 15:23
I absolutely agree that certain emotions “properly dosed are delectable,” as my whole interior life is set up with romantic scenarios and emotional confrontations so I can experience strong feelings in my own controlled setting. Also, music will move me to tears when nothing else can. A friend’s dog died a couple of years ago, and I felt a sinking in my chest but could barely squeeze out even one tear for this little pet whom I often took care of and loved very much. Months later I got a sad song stuck in my head (”What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life?”) and shed several more tears for the dog. That’s what it seems to take to trigger grieving. I certainly felt awkward seeing my friend the day I found out about the dog, since I had trouble looking “sad enough.”
June 4th, 2009 at 11:13
Touchproof, it seems we, “shizoids” have a full agreement on this;-)
I if it is really clear for others? That duality of being able to shed tears for a fictional character or a music, but not for a fellow human being…