But today I hit rush hours in Paris’ subway, the crowdest city after Tokyo, and had to cross one of the biggest European’s mall the first week of summer bargains (”les soldes” in Paris is a real institution driving even more people in retail stores to hunt for the best bargains of the year). Now, I won’t recommend that to any schizoids or introverts alike… Can’t really get any uglier… A fire evacuation from a big university would have been peachy compared to that one!

I obviously did not readjust my radar to the far heavier concentration of people here in Paris. And today, I felt like 20 years ago when I had to battle with myself to cross a subway station or a crowded street. And like then, I fell back to a really basic comportment: Total and complete shutdown…

The noise, the neon lighting, the fast movement of bodies around me… I was in total sensorial overstimulation, something I had under control for a long while I thought. When that happens, my brain is like an overheating CPU stalled into using all its processing power on unimportant tasks (filtering the “noises”), unable to free up some juice for the higher functions. I then enter in what I call “the zombie state”. Meaning my body is really on auto pilot. I breathe (tough It occurred to me to even skip a few inhales or exhales in the same situation in the old days), but just walking is a hard to impossible task… I could easily stay put in the middle of the crowd, not able to move or speak in some cases, just freakishly stuck in some endless loop.

We are talking living nightmare here, the full fledge concretization of the fearful “lost of control” that is the root of most schizoid personalities (at least mine).

Well today, today… It was bad… I had worse mind you, but it is a low point I had not hit in many years… I was WAY off. I mean I felt it myself. The way I stared, the way I walked, the way I looked at things around me… The overstimulation was gaining, I could feel it, and I could FEAR it. That adrenaline shoot that skydiving did not procure a few weeks ago? Well I got it today… that tells you what I am really scared off!

While I felt the uneasiness come, I recognized it right away. I was in the dead center of a three levels huge mall, and I knew so well to what extreme it could drive me… Adrenaline plus a few basic protocols (always know your emergency exits as soon as you enter any closed area), were here a life saver.

Standing out like I hate it, I managed to get to the far end of the mall. Taking the sub? In the beginning of rush hours, very bad idea in my actual state… Just going outside then? This is Paris La défense… The outside here (”le parvis, l’esplanade”) is the busiest corner of the capital, before “Les champs Elysée”. This is the equivalent to Wall Street at trading closure time… Again not a bright idea. Only two ways I could really go: Pace myself in a toilet booth, or sooth it all in the darkness of a movie theater…

I do like movie theaters; they have been such good friends to me. For some reasons, even crowded, as soon as the lights are off, I feel good. Luckily, it was around 16h00, so nobody was waiting to enter in long lines. I grabbed a ticket at the automatic booth, urged in, and calmed down in a nearly empty theater.

Of course the movie ended just a bit to early to escape the end of rush hours in the subway… So I waited, grabbed a bite, watched another movie, and finally took a late sub around 23h00. Finishing the day with the usual split headache an sensorial overstimulation episode never misses to bring…

Seems I have some heavy lifting to do to reacquaint with people density, mentality and culture (Jack, seriously, bargain week how could you miss that!) here. Well, I was born here after all; I should be able to adjust fairly quickly…

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Well, that’s it! House gone, plane taken, France here I am…
Plane trips are always a breeze for me. I just plug in some earphones right from the start (even if they don’t really deliver any sound) and ignore the first two attempts of my neighbor to start a discussion if he/she is the chatty kind.
Then, between my iPod full of series and music, a book, and some writing, I am actually quite at ease during a flight.
Now, France is another matter… Different culture, I will have to readjust to its reality, I’ll keep the entries flowing as I encounter new challenges.

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But that’s not all… In order to decide that I had to pay $1.74, they charged me an extra $5.00 of “custom handling fees”… Just don’t handle it, send it straight to my home…

There is bigger problem in our world, but I got to admit, paying handling fee so you can be taxed on a bunch of papers (that was my trainer renewal from Microsoft, just a certificate, a plastic card and some forms, again I did not bought it, this is free stuff) is bad enough. But paying more for the fee than the actual tax itself, is just plain stupid.

Well, at least they did not taxed me on the handling fees

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                1/ It’s a show, not reality.

                2/ Yes the main character is schizoid, but he is also a serial killer… Something statistically not prone to happen often since, let’s face it… there is no logic in it! (and yet in the storyline there is some logical reasons for him to be one, exquisitely fitting indeed.)

So don’t go mixing things, we are already saw as freaks more than our share… Back on subject:

You want to get to know a bit more what is inside the head of a schizoid? Well put aside the fact that Dexter idiosyncratic activity is killing, and enjoy the narrative tone of the series that is perfect to hear his thoughts. The series is an adaptation of the book “Darkly Dreaming Dexter” by Jeff LINDSAY. In the book the personage is a bit more sordid, a bit less on the SPD side, but the screen writer James MANOS Jr. definitively added schizoid twists to the main character. Here are my favorite picks from the first two episodes of Season 1:

Dexter presenting himself: “I feel like I have a hollow place inside. People fake a lot of human interaction, but I feel like I fake them all, I do it very well too… And that is my curse I guess…”

Dexter’s boss has a crunch on him and has she winks at him, Dexter thinks ” I’d really like her to stop doing that, it’s one of those mating rituals which I really don’t understand…”

Looking at an empty box of donuts: “Just like me, empty inside”

Speaking of his foster sister: “She is really a sensible person, that’s why she is hiding behind a shell: So that people won’t see how sensible she is. Me, it’s quite the opposite, I use a shell so that people won’t see how sensible I am not…”

Still about his sister: “I don’t have feelings about anything, but if I could have feelings at all, I’d have them for her”.

Speaking of his “girlfriend”: “She was rapped repeatedly and banged around by a crack addict hubby. Since then she has no interest in sex at all… that works for meq …”

I haven’t get any further yet, but it is in the world of fiction, the closest thing I had seen to portraying schizoid traits (and again, please, put aside the serial killer thing).

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I honestly don’t know for schizoidS, but I can share with you the recent skydiving experience of your schizoid truly;-)

It really did not started as an experimentation of any kind, I went there open minded, more curious than anything else. But the way things played out, I thought it will be a good “scientific” kind of factual demonstration…

So picture this: 10 people skydiving for the first time. The occasion was given by a coworker, skydiver since 4 years now, and organizing a jump for the 40th birthday of one of his acquaintances. My wife always wanted to tried it, so two weeks ago I decided to put our names on the list.

Last Saturday, 12pm, a bunch of people, some I know from work, some I don’t know at all join for that first experience. Nobody is indifferent. Some are scared, some apprehend it a bit, some are so excited that they can barely stop laughing, others hide behind jokes (but I can feel their apprehension behind that shell of confidence, easily even). Me of course I am not at ease… Nothing to do with jumping though, but 10 people plus their relatives coming to witness the event, that is more than enough to occupy my brain during the wait.

Level of apprehension: I honestly did not think about it during the week. Friday evening I started thinking of it because it was going to change a bit my night and morning habits. The field is a good 2 hours drive away, and I won’t be able to have my customary late -very late- Friday night…

On Saturday morning, my wife is driving (like in life, she likes to be in control in a car). Which left me plenty of time to let my mind go. And there was not a lot of parachuting involved. I cleared my last song lyrics, got two new ideas for a short story, and calculated the time of our descent to come based on relative height of the jump, maximum free fall speed, surface of the canopy, etc… I came at about just under 4 minutes (turns out I was very close).

How it works: A little video to put all future jumpers in the mood, then basic training on the exit, free fall position, and landing. Then we split in three loads so that other skydivers can use the plane as well. I end up in the second group, my wife in the third, which is fine, it ensure one of us is always on the ground to take care of our daughter (who has been a pearl, patience of an angel). Then each individual goes with his or her instructor for final training on the tandem jump and get to know the one who will jump with you.

How it went: I Scoop to the door, the camera man slides outside and stay clenched on the side of the plane. Too much noise to hear my instructor but I feel him pulling my arms, so I let go of the bar, wave to the cameraman and just let my weight go forward…
Definite moment where I think “hum, forgot to keep my hands on the harness for the exit, well, can’t very much wave and grip my harness at the same time, can I…” We are going down, I arc like I am supposed to, spreading my arms and legs slightly. We are going down, I mean really down… Heals over head, looping kind of thing, for a few seconds we are falling back first, probably not intended on my instructor part for a first jump He moves a bit and we rotate back, face down. Split moment where I wonder if my instructor is talking to me, but at that speed and with the noise of the wind, no way I can hear him anyway.
Have to focus to take a deep breath, then I see the hands of the instructor in my sight, he is pointing toward the cameraman that is coming toward us, I look at him, he stretches his arm, I try to grad it, but clearly miss some experience moving my body at 250km/h… My instructor guide my arm, I finally grasp the cameraman’s hand and the three of us start spiraling for a moment. Then the cameraman lets go, I turn my head to look at him and make him a thumb up.
Back to having to focus for a breath (just turning my head changed the way the wind came in my nose), but already my instructor gives me the “OK” sign, which I answer to with another thumb up. He is pulling the cord, I relax my body to take in the deceleration. Well far less harder than I anticipated actually, we are still falling, but way more slowly now, and in a vertical position.

The noise is gone, I actually see the ground for the first time, before that I was looking in front of me, for others, for the cameraman, etc… The instructor asks me how I feel, the only accurate statement I can make to him is “Peaceful”, he chuckles. He shows me the scenery, Niagara, Toronto afar, the lakes. Then he gives me the commands, we make a small spiral on the left, then on the right, the acceleration is there for sure but no more than a bumpy roller coaster.

We review the landing procedure, then he makes me decelerate the canopy, the sensation of being almost immobile in the air is excellent, touch me much more than the speedy and turbulent free fall part of the descent.

We turn a bit, finding the wind, then we land, nice and easy on our legs.

The cameraman rushes on us “So what do think”, I answer, nodding “Much more peaceful than I anticipated actually”. We high five each other while another instructor detach the canopy, then we split and I make my way back to the barracks, picking up on the way the goggles than someone lost in the grass in front of me.

I had been totally aware of the free fall part, (when discussing this with other, none could recall anything about the free fall other than a big blur - adrenaline kicking in - until the very end, just before the chute opening. Certainly no recall if they were falling face or back down) and the video confirmed our uncommon exit, everyone else went flat on their belly as attended for a first jump.

Afterward: 90% of the people experienced the “thrill”, between us let’s call it by its real name: Adrenaline shoot. And all the usual reactions to it were here: Over exited people (”Whouah, I’m HOOKED MAN, SOOOO GOODDD!!!!!!) Kind of thing. Just exited people (”Amazing, did you see this, did you felt that, and that, and oh, this and yeah that too, and…”). And sick people (nausea, head ache, extreme fatigue) due to the adrenaline withdrawal that can occur more or less quickly depending on the individual.

For some it will be a life changing experience (like my coworker that did it 4 years ago and is now a seasoned skydiver, with a very different attitude than before). For others it will stay a great experience, and they will even do it again, one day, maybe… And for others they proved themselves they could, and that’s the end of it.

Me? Well, I am the 10% left… No Adrenaline for me… Weird, because I know sister adrenaline pretty well, I experienced it many, many times, so I know it is not a chemical issue there. BUT, the more I think of it, the more it is clear that all my adrenaline experiences came from surprising moments… This was no surprise, I knew I was climbing in a plane to jump from it at 14 000 feet… My mind was clear, ready for new discovery, and adrenaline will not have helped one bit, quite the contrary, it will have spoiled the awareness of things.

So… What can we conclude in the all genetic / chemical imbalance / psychological scheme of things for SPD?
I’ll say it again, I know adrenaline and I know fear, if they were not present in such that extreme situation, it’s not because I am incapable of it (bye bye genetics). So was I particularly chemically unbalanced that morning? So that no particular hormones could run free? Possibly, but I doubt it because again, I am capable of those kind of rushes and it is very doubtful that it will not work properly just at that moment (it will be a pretty fabulous coincidence)… That leaves us with the psychological trait… And in that case, yes I have to admit it is the most logical explanation. With no surprising events, my mind was simply ready for this, and deep down never needed to rely on the deeper brain function to “get thru it”.

So here you go, draw your own conclusion, I have been as impartial as possible in detailing all this.  

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Apparently, my other half cannot imagine her life without me dixit herself… So I guess all is patch-up for now.

Just so you know, that puts me pretty much in same mood than the day she announced she wanted to leave. It is just one of the two possibilities her last talking could end up to. Either way I will have bounced back. But I have to admit it makes it more practical to move and leave the country as a whole rather than separately; Less paperwork and easier organization.

Terrific news for our daughter though (who never suspected anything).

Yes my wife is missing a lot of emotional comfort because of me, and with a big thing like moving out the country it is harder on her as she is looking for more support on my part to validate the decisions made and reassure her.

But, overall, looking at the state of average male behavior, I guess she did realize I am one of a kind; With my hideous flaws and with the better sides. It’s the whole package, can’t separate them and get only the good sides, it’ll be too easy.

If I was more “emotional”, I’ll be less “sentimental”, tricky difference I know, but that is what she loves in me. My calm, the way I see life so serene, and I am 100% reliable, when it really counts I am here and I am a pillar of rock thru tough situations. I might be absent/distant most of the regular time, but I will never let her go in any extreme situations, and she knows it: I don’t crack under pressure, and I cannot flee my responsibilities… For better or worse…

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 In one of them called “double nationality” I express my trouble coping with the changes to come, like “double nationality, feels for me like being a stranger in two countries“. Or ” Why can’t we have to hearts, one for your home town, and one for the magical city that welcomed you in your exile“…

My wife read it and even if the text by itself does not speak about family or me wanting or not to go back to France (it’s really just about how I feel I got no roots anymore, which is actually not even a bad feeling for me, ironically enough).

Then her reaction was: “It’s over! Since you seem more at ease writing the depth of your thoughts instead of speaking of it with the one that shared 14 years with you… I can’t take it anymore… Stay in you “magical city” alone I will go back with our daughter, you don’t need us as we are evidently a weight for you every single day…”

What can I say? She nailed it: YES it IS easier for me to WRITE my feelings down rather than TALK about them. And YES I don’t NEED anyone… When she’s right, she’s right…

And what did I do? I wrote another poem called “15 years”. How many women out there can say they are truly a muse for their husband like mine is? Too bad I can’t tell her…

And my thoughts as I write those lines are exactly: “what a bad timing, I have no more house end of June, the car is sold, and I have announced my departure at work, I wish she would have established that a little earlier while I had still something to keep me in my “magical city”, so next on my list: being a writer or leave for Sydney or for New-York… I guess I could write in both… Though I feel like writing in French, so maybe I’ll go back to Paris after all…”

Welcome in the thoughts of a schizoid…

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I can no longer fight

The power of the moonlight.

Your scent is so distinct

It triggers my instinct

[REFRAIN]

Run, if you wanna live…

Run, for a tomorrow…

Run, if you wanna live…

Run, for a tomorrow…

Let me share my secret:

You need a silver bullet

To survive to this night,

Or I’ll kill you on sight

[REFRAIN]

My claws are so sharp

I won’t hear you gasp

When I’ll tear you throat

Like a little goat.

[REFRAIN]

I can see you there;

Smell of blood in the air.

I don’t mean to pry,

But it’s time for you to die

[REFRAIN]

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Deep in the belly of the earth

Is supposed to be the hideout of a beast

Living in the darkness beneath

who could engulf us all in a mist.

Or so goes the legend,

But he monster is long gone

He had no needs to stay and pretend.

Not after human kind was born

See, he was aiming for ultimate destruction,

But seeing men so angry

He knew WE will bring armagedon

And all he had to do was petty:

He invented for us religion.

Making sure our violence will grow

As it is the human condition

To destroy what we don’t know

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I just asked for NO or YES.

YES or NO, NO or YES, seems you don’t I guess

The choice is binary:

I’m asking if you love me.

With a very simple word

You will change both our world.

Either I stay tonight

And never live your sight

Or I will be gone

And don’t expect me on the phone.

[REFRAIN]

Now is time for your decision

To what is a very simple question:

Shall we continue together,

Or split in a teary geyser?

I know you cheated on me;

I’m not asking who is he.

It’s more simple really

I’m asking if you’ll stick with me.

[REFRAIN]

Do you want a fresh start

Or should we grow apart?

So simple, so complex

I’m waiting for you to say YES…

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