When it comes to doing nothing, feeling empty, even worthless (since there is nothing you can do that will make a dent in the universe anyway, so why bother?) I had my share. The apathy is a very serious problem (probably the main cause of depression for schizoids), yet it’s pretty normal that this will occur in the course of that condition…
When you spend your life introverting, you cannot do otherwise but foreseeing things, playing with theories, “what ifs”, and when you do so, believe me, you cannot turn optimistic, at all… You see the world around you, you analyze it, you try to make sense of it, but when you are schizoid, few feelings are entering into the balance to dazzle you like the others, and you can just see it for what it is: A huge mistake spiraling down the drain exponentially!
Well the Universe I am fine with, the problem is human kind, mind you… Anyway… At first it was “I see it, I can make something about it”, then comes the “no way I can make them understand” and in the years “Who am I to think I could do something anyway”, then “Why the hell do I care, leave me alone”. But you see, we humans are genetically designed to be thrive onto “leaving a mark on the world”; making babies, building stuff (well breaking it is easier so that works well too…), shaping nature, defy the laws of our environment, playing gods… And when you consciously deny that to yourself because you are well aware of its absurdity, well your reptilian brain (deeper and more primal part of our brain) it does not like it… And it goes “You don’t want to make a mark? You don’t want to fulfill your prime programming? You don’t want to do a thing? Well then, DO NOTHING THEN, HAVE TASTE FOR NOTHING THEN, WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO LIE DOWN AND DIE THEN…” And that’s when the apathy begins…
If you don’t react (fight that damn reptilian brain with the reasoning center of the upper primate brain) you are going directly to depression stage, do not go to start, do not collect money (but start taking pills)…
The reptilian brain is the center of primal things like making you breathe without consciously having to think of it, it also triggers fear, anger, reflexes as pure survival instinct mechanisms. So it has access to enough hormones artillery to really make you feel bad if it really wants to. But he also responds quite instinctively to certain signals of the upper brain (I see something unidentified in the corner of my eye = reflex, move, duck. But my upper brain identifies the object as not dangerous = no reaction from mister reptilian).
Me? I found two ways of fighting it:
The first is to let go of the bigger issues, just go with the wind, human kind is nothing in the universe, don’t waste your energy on nothing (let go, don’t care… not so hard for a schizoid)… BUT, treat yourself, little things, but treat yourself! Like me for example, I am a sugar junky, well fuck the physical health; I need my mind to operate first, so I eat candies. The sugar goes in my brain, triggers the pleasure center, in return the upper brain sends messages to the reptilian brain that “you know what, I am feeling good right now, why don’t you let it go a bit?”
Pleasure (even small) is a fulfillment in itself, my reptilian brain lets go a bit of those hormones putting me in that apathy state.
The second way is to keep busy. There my small tendency to Obsessive Compulsive came in handy. I “force” some projects onto myself, like creating a web site, discovering new SF series, new book sagas, etc… And let my OC side dive into the details of researching (similar subjects, lore, authors…) and composing. Then some pleasure comes from discovering new stuff (again small things, little by little, I did not learn to play guitar…) and reinforced the first step.
Combining both ways, I have built for myself a kind of rewarding system; I did not kill anyone at work? Grab a candy, kick back relax while watching an episode of a new SF serie at home. I launch a personal “new project”? Go for a run, have a long walk alone in the forest (yes being alone is a reward for me).
If you read the post “fear of going crazy“, you can do the math and imagine that I can appear like a pretty busy guy. It is true that “hyper-activity” (take it loosely I am not suffering from it in anyway) helps both matters. Still I NEED my peace and quiet time (do not take it for apathy), and I even integrated it in my rewarding system. So that being alone fulfills two things; a survival need, and a goal (a mark/pleasure for my reptilian snaky brain).
Note on physical health:
I am not hyper active (I finish what I start and am pretty focused on what I am doing at a specific time). But, I do sleep less (going to bed only when exhausted). It’s more related to the fear of going crazy than the apathy. I am also a sugar junky, it’s my brain fuel. Overall, I perfectly know it is not the healthiest way of life, but it is the price I am willing to pay for a balanced mental health (no depression as of yet, very few days of apathy for a long while now, and not turning schizophrenic anytime soon).
Note on relationships:
It does not make things much easier, as I appear “always busy” on something. It adds a physical distance to the emotional one, but “no he can’t, he is busy” seems to be better understood than “no he can’t, he doesn’t care“… Fine by me.
Note on Pessimism:
I am a realistic, a fatalist, a sarcastic, and a critic. But I am not a pessimistic. Which knowing what I know and understanding things like I do is quite an achievement by itself…
February 11th, 2008 at 6:31
Very interesting post and good to read some fellow’s insight on apathy.
I have to try and award myself more and I hope that it will alleviate my apathy.
I really liked the monologue of your reptilian brain
February 11th, 2008 at 9:14
I would like to buy you a Candy for sharing
February 11th, 2008 at 9:27
Thanks Ivan, yeah what you gonna do that snakes inside as a mind of its own, luckily it is not to bright
February 11th, 2008 at 9:27
Nancy, I am stockpiled on candies, but thanks I can always use more.
July 14th, 2008 at 0:01
My, oh my. Ought to be sleeping, but reading this site proved too interesting. All the while popping in candies at regular intervals, listening to the same tune all over again, just because it tickles my brain in a funky way and generally finding it amusing how someone could possibly write down things I’ve churned in my head for endless sessions of introspection and fantasy, all so eloquently. Unfortunately I’ve succumbed to the demon of depression quite a few years ago. Underachieving in my current “ambitions” doesn’t help at all. But now… apathy is creeping back in, cheers mate for the article!
July 14th, 2008 at 22:37
Thanks Kuro. Yeah… Depression, all real thinking people, and obviously introverts are prone to it, after all, what’s the point when you relly think about it, right?
Well, I’ll die young, asking to much of myself, but that is the only way I found not to fall: Keep running, never stop, keep that brain fueled at any cost.
July 1st, 2009 at 14:56
Apathy, that’s a bad thing. You surely did a nice job in tackling it, I try to force myself doing things a lot too, but I get bored so easily after doing the same things for a while…
I don’t know if I’ll be able to find a job that will not drive me mad with its routine once I’ll be graduated. That’s what really depress me.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:53
Well quiet, helps to be a tad obsessive compulssive
Just a tad, mind you, don’t want it to become a problem…
July 4th, 2009 at 17:40
Hmm, from what I have read in your other posts, Jack, you don’t look just a ‘tad’ obsessive compulsive
By the way, like you said, I’d better exhaust myself doing whatever I decide or I’m forced to do than drown in apathy, or worse, depression. Unfortunately I can do that only in rare circumstances, my mind just violently refuses routine…
Are you trying to learn guitar? If you do, it’s a nice idea! Sometimes it can get frustrating (at least for me), but if you can endure that, it can be pretty rewarding.
September 7th, 2009 at 17:32
Guitar was a failed attempt. I might go back at it in the future.