Dexter

Inner thoughts 8 Comments »

Dexter is a TV series shown on the SHOWTIME cable network (the CBS broadcast is edited, flee it). Reason I brought that here is that I did not know that series until very recently, my DBA Extraordinaire pointed me to it, and I must admit, it relates very well to SPD on some levels. Do keep in mind:

 

                1/ It’s a show, not reality.

                2/ Yes the main character is schizoid, but he is also a serial killer… Something statistically not prone to happen often since, let’s face it… there is no logic in it! (and yet in the storyline there is some logical reasons for him to be one, exquisitely fitting indeed.)

 

So don’t go mixing things, we are already saw as freaks more than our share… Back on subject:

You want to get to know a bit more what is inside the head of a schizoid? Well put aside the fact that Dexter idiosyncratic activity is killing, and enjoy the narrative tone of the series that is perfect to hear his thoughts. The series is an adaptation of the book “Darkly Dreaming Dexter” by Jeff LINDSAY. In the book the personage is a bit more sordid, a bit less on the SPD side, but the screen writer James MANOS Jr. definitively added schizoid twists to the main character. Here are my favorite picks from the first two episodes of Season 1:

 

Dexter presenting himself: “I feel like I have a hollow place inside. People fake a lot of human interaction, but I feel like I fake them all, I do it very well too… And that is my curse I guess…

 

Dexter’s boss has a crunch on him and has she winks at him, Dexter thinks ” I’d really like her to stop doing that, it’s one of those mating rituals which I really don’t understand…

 

Looking at an empty box of donuts: “Just like me, empty inside

 

Speaking of his foster sister: “She is really a sensible person, that’s why she is hiding behind a shell: So that people won’t see how sensible she is. Me, it’s quite the opposite, I use a shell so that people won’t see how sensible I am not…

Still about his sister: “I don’t have feelings about anything, but if I could have feelings at all, I’d have them for her”.

Speaking of his “girlfriend”: “She was rapped repeatedly and banged around by a crack addict hubby. Since then she has no interest in sex at all… that works for meq …

 

I haven’t get any further yet, but it is in the world of fiction, the closest thing I had seen to portraying schizoid traits (and again, please, put aside the serial killer thing).

 

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So… Skydiving, huh?

Activities, Encounters 7 Comments »

SkydiveWhat happens when you put a schizoid in a “thrilling” situation?

I honestly don’t know for schizoidS, but I can share with you the recent skydiving experience of your schizoid truly;-)

 

It really did not started as an experimentation of any kind, I went there open minded, more curious than anything else. But the way things played out, I thought it will be a good “scientific” kind of factual demonstration…

So picture this: 10 people skydiving for the first time. The occasion was given by a coworker, skydiver since 4 years now, and organizing a jump for the 40th birthday of one of his acquaintances. My wife always wanted to tried it, so two weeks ago I decided to put our names on the list.

Last Saturday, 12pm, a bunch of people, some I know from work, some I don’t know at all join for that first experience. Nobody is indifferent. Some are scared, some apprehend it a bit, some are so excited that they can barely stop laughing, others hide behind jokes (but I can feel their apprehension behind that shell of confidence, easily even). Me of course I am not at ease… Nothing to do with jumping though, but 10 people plus their relatives coming to witness the event, that is more than enough to occupy my brain during the wait.

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Over the week-end

Familly No Comments »

Turns out, I am harder to leave than one might think.

Apparently, my other half cannot imagine her life without me dixit herself… So I guess all is patch-up for now.

Just so you know, that puts me pretty much in same mood than the day she announced she wanted to leave. It is just one of the two possibilities her last talking could end up to. Either way I will have bounced back. But I have to admit it makes it more practical to move and leave the country as a whole rather than separately; Less paperwork and easier organization.

Terrific news for our daughter though (who never suspected anything).

 

Yes my wife is missing a lot of emotional comfort because of me, and with a big thing like moving out the country it is harder on her as she is looking for more support on my part to validate the decisions made and reassure her.

But, overall, looking at the state of average male behavior, I guess she did realize I am one of a kind; With my hideous flaws and with the better sides. It’s the whole package, can’t separate them and get only the good sides, it’ll be too easy.

If I was more “emotional”, I’ll be less “sentimental”, tricky difference I know, but that is what she loves in me. My calm, the way I see life so serene, and I am 100% reliable, when it really counts I am here and I am a pillar of rock thru tough situations. I might be absent/distant most of the regular time, but I will never let her go in any extreme situations, and she knows it: I don’t crack under pressure, and I cannot flee my responsibilities… For better or worse…

 

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The D word

Familly, Inner thoughts, Moods 7 Comments »

Here we are at that crossroad again… I have picked-up witting, and noticeably those past two weeks I have put a few urban poetic texts together (mostly in french, sorry).

 In one of them called “double nationality” I express my trouble coping with the changes to come, like “double nationality, feels for me like being a stranger in two countries“. Or ” Why can’t we have to hearts, one for your home town, and one for the magical city that welcomed you in your exile“…

My wife read it and even if the text by itself does not speak about family or me wanting or not to go back to France (it’s really just about how I feel I got no roots anymore, which is actually not even a bad feeling for me, ironically enough).

Then her reaction was: “It’s over! Since you seem more at ease writing the depth of your thoughts instead of speaking of it with the one that shared 14 years with you… I can’t take it anymore… Stay in you “magical city” alone I will go back with our daughter, you don’t need us as we are evidently a weight for you every single day…”

What can I say? She nailed it: YES it IS easier for me to WRITE my feelings down rather than TALK about them. And YES I don’t NEED anyone… When she’s right, she’s right…

And what did I do? I wrote another poem called “15 years”. How many women out there can say they are truly a muse for their husband like mine is? Too bad I can’t tell her…

And my thoughts as I write those lines are exactly: “what a bad timing, I have no more house end of June, the car is sold, and I have announced my departure at work, I wish she would have established that a little earlier while I had still something to keep me in my “magical city”, so next on my list: being a writer or leave for Sydney or for New-York… I guess I could write in both… Though I feel like writing in French, so maybe I’ll go back to Paris after all…”

Welcome in the thoughts of a schizoid…

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Instinct

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Song Lyrics (electro / dark)

 

I can no longer fight

The power of the moonlight.

Your scent is so distinct

It triggers my instinct

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Boogeyman

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Song lyrics  (electro / dark )

Deep in the belly of the earth

Is supposed to be the hideout of a beast

Living in the darkness beneath

who could engulf us all in a mist.

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A simple thing

Moods No Comments »

Song Lyrics (electro / dark)

So simple, yet complex :
Are you with me just for sex?
Why does it have to be a mess?

I just asked for NO or YES.

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