Apr 2314:08
Song Lyrics (electro / dark)
I can no longer fight
The power of the moonlight.
Your scent is so distinct
It triggers my instinct
Apr 2218:55
Song lyrics (electro / dark )
Deep in the belly of the earth
Is supposed to be the hideout of a beast
Living in the darkness beneath
who could engulf us all in a mist.
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Apr 2113:44
Song Lyrics (electro / dark)
So simple, yet complex :
Are you with me just for sex?
Why does it have to be a mess?
I just asked for NO or YES.
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Apr 160:56
Un bon post pour les francophones:
Le trouble de la personnalité schizoïde est un trouble de la personnalité grave.
Cette personne vit seule sans ressentir les conséquences de sa solitude. Elle ne manifeste aucun interêt pour les relations sociales. Elle n’est pas touchée par les marques de sympathie ou d’affection et n’exprime quasiment jamais ses émotions. Ses loisirs sont solitaires et son activité professionnelle est souvent indépendante
La personne schizoide, chez qui donc règne la peur inconsciente d’être présent et d’avoir à s’investir dans le monde concret, peut manifester des symptômes divers :
Lire la suite de cet article ->
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Apr 1523:55
Well, I think you’ve all been witnessing what « Idiosyncratic activities » can do… Come on think… Well you’ve at least witnessed it right here, right now!
Me “off line” for over six weeks => idiosyncratic activities. I’ll explain:
People with SPD are prone to idiosyncratic activities – don’t feel bad to look it up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiosyncrasy, I had to open a dictionary myself, even with my Greek background… - Well for SPD, that basically means that schizoids are doing stuff turned toward themselves – no kidding! –
Well in my case if you add just a little bit of obsessive-compulsive disorder and enough external factor that you want to occult (like, let’s say… moving back in France) it can result in a total lock down. Put the timelessness sensation on top of it and you can start to understand how I can be off radar for 6 weeks without having physically been gone anywhere or otherwise been sick.
I have those episodes once in a while. I mean I pretty much always have idiosyncratic activities, but from time to time it’s going overboard. Those times are the ones I could really turn into a hermit if I did not have a family to anchor me.
Those times are when my brain in stuck into ONE mode. The only thing I can focus on is the activity of the moment. Over the years, it has been as broad as writing books, designing web sites, tagging my MP3 collection, doing a 6000 pieces puzzle, etc…
Life during those periods can be resuming as follow:
- Wake up thinking of a new stuff about the activity, starting to implement the new idea until someone or something recall me to go to work.
- Commuting, thinking of my activity (noting stuff on paper or any electronic device accordingly), usually missing my stop, and then walking back to work.
- Doing my work on autopilot, my mind set on my thing.
- Skipping lunch (as I did breakfast), working on my thing during lunch.
- Autopilot work again.
- Same commuting (same missing stop half the time).
- Blurry family evening, can’t say what is at the dinner table, can’t hear a thing about what is exchanged around the table.
- Working on my thing all night until I literally fell from fatigue (usually 2 – 3 am).
- Dreaming exclusively about ways to improve/add/change things on my project.
- Repeat…
I am totally permeable to anything exterior. I can agree or disagree with things my wife is running by me without any recollection afterward. Work is just a big blur in the middle of my day – though apparently I can still manage to disarm critical situations, do not ask me how, I must be “that” good at my work… -
Once the “thing” is done, only then do I realize the amount of time passed, how hard it as been on my family, and what I have to pick up the slack for (studies, work, laundry, email…)
It’s not all bad – at least for me -. Some good things are coming out of this sometimes; like books, learning a lot of things (pretty sure I won’t be a system engineer nowadays otherwise)…
For you it will probably just appear as a big black hole in the blog. If it is under three months, then I am not dead yet. If it runs longer than that… You can start worrying if you wish…
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Feb 2614:50
I’d like to simply share a theory that is both a scientific process and a leap of faith:
If God [a] is omnipresent (he can be in any and different places at the same time).
And if God [a] is omnipotent / Omniscient (he can do everything and anything conceivable or not by humankind).
Then obviously if you follow a rigorous scientific process, then it is logical to conclude that [a] can create a universe anywhere it pleases where it itself will not exist…
And if you have faith, well you have to believe that God can create a universe where he does not exist, after all he works in mysterious ways, and it could be an ultimate “test to find out whether you love him with all your heart and with all your soul” - Deuteronomy 13:1-3
Jeez, I finally filled the gap between atheists and theists: We can now all agree that somewhere, God does not exist… See? That wasn’t so hard now was it?
Some ref: http://scriptures.lds.org/bd/g/43
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Feb 2522:43
I have been asked if schizoids were conscience they were hurting people, not just buy not giving enough attention, but more especially while leaving their close ones…I can’t answer for them, but I can tell you this about me: Yes I am conscious I “hurt” people’s feelings (I would not hurt a fly), and that I will hurt my wife and daughter if leaving them.
As going as far as to living your family, well, I believe once gone, it is hard to come back. See most people will get tired of the loneliness; figure what they are missing after a few days away (and after having partied all their soul. Basically they get it out of their system then realize they just can’t live alone). But not me… The sad truth is the longer apart, the longer alone, and the best can I appreciate being distant from my family.
Being alone is extremely liberating, and when it happens, I forget my family almost instantly… I enter my bubble, I am all alone with my schedule and activities, most of the time I don’t hear the phone anymore and easily enter into a timeless state where a day can go by without me noticing it: that’s how deep I can introvert and be in my thoughts with no one around.
But conscience there is, yes. When comes the time to go back to the real world (eating, shopping, etc…) It’s like waves of conscience, coming and going. Personally, I can even feel guilt (like putting 4000 miles between me and my mom who lives alone), but I quickly rationalize it, dismiss it, put it under wrap until the next wave…
Of course at some culminant points, the adding of it all could make some waves pretty hurtful. Then extreme melancholy (which I cannot express, even if all alone by myself), sadness, guilt… it all turns into an hurtful ball in my chest, then comes the emptiness, and at that point the line is very very thin and slippery to fall into clinical depression…
So the choice is dealing with conscience of hurting people or dealing with feelings to not hurt pepople, and I am way more equipped to deal with conscience issues than with feelings and proximity. I can dissect my conscience, play with it, turn it around, understand it, and justify it, so that with enough work it will not wake any dormant feelings on the next wave… So yes, there is clear conscience on my part, and I do understand that I “hurt” others in the process of being distant, or worst; leaving. Yet I cannot care much (understanding and caring are two different things) because I know the others don’t have any conscience of what I go thru…
That is my plague: I know I am “the villain” (by common standards), but I cannot change it (by my standards), cannot explain it especially to those I hurt (because they of course are emotional about it, and I just can’t go there), and very few people can understand it… (It will be like an atheist trying to convince a theist to lose faith or a theist trying to convince an atheist to have faith… pointless…)
I have been alone (usually 1 or 2 weeks while my wife and daughter go on vacations earlier than me), and I have felt the urge to stay that way, terribly!
But I am pretty balanced, and it’s like a switch I flip: “Alone/Family”. So when the time is up, I flip the switch, get in the plane and join my family (I usually need the trip to readjust properly).
It’s the “getting the switch to work” part that is tricky, and I understand perfectly why it will not work for others. There is a degree of knowing oneself implied, and I think I was lucky, from my education, to be able to look at and criticized myself constructively at a young age. Aside from that, probably only therapy could bring that degree of understanding and control…
I do walk a very fine line while putting myself into the position of being alone, or more exactly I put my family on a very fine line, every time there is a chance the switch won’t flip back… Yet, I truly believe I need those moments too, it’s part of my neutral self and perpetual paradoxical personality: I need to flirt with it, just enough to know I am right not to fall completely…
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