A schizoid personality

Far from huge social themes, extra complex analysis, or deep personal revelations, I thought today I should just share one of those tiny, tiny event that pave my days.

This morning, like any other work day, I left at 7h15, and made my 20 minutes stroll to the train station. I have been doing that for 8 months now. So I know the way to get there (and, mind you I knew the way before that because I already lived there, and had to make the same trip down the train station).

I like my morning stroll. I could easily get a bus to bring me to the station, but I rather prefer walking there. My itinerary goes thru really calm parts of town, so at this hour I am the only one walking in the streets, and it’s soothing, I can observe the streets, or more usually wander in my mind.

Well this morning, I was so into my own little world that, as I came across the long stairs I need to climb down, I actually continued forward for another 100 meters. Only then did I register I was on the wrong path, and turned around to get on tracks.

Nothing extraordinary, barely worth mentioning really. Who never missed its street in a moment of inattention? (Though it must still be less common while walking than while driving…)

BUT, the thing is, I KNEW I was missing my corner… Just took me 100m to accept that I had to go back

Here’s exactly what happened:

I am walking, thinking of a woman resurrecting from her ashes, like a Phoenix, and finally coming to terms with her long misunderstood powers (don’t ask, just accept I have strange thoughts sometimes…)

I see the stairs, I TURN MY HEAD and actually identify them. At that moment, it is very clear in my mind that I should turn. Yet, I continue forward, absorbed by the scene playing in my head. A little farther I think over the images filling my head “did you just passed the stairs? I think you did…” Only then do I stop, make my way back and get down the stairs, while continuing with my Phoenix lady story in the background… A quite typical morning for me indeed!

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I am usually not in a good place while surrounded by people, let alone swimming among a crowd, yet after years of practice, I blend in most of the time. It does not show to the naked eye that I go my way a little “off”.

But today I hit rush hours in Paris’ subway, the crowdest city after Tokyo, and had to cross one of the biggest European’s mall the first week of summer bargains (”les soldes” in Paris is a real institution driving even more people in retail stores to hunt for the best bargains of the year). Now, I won’t recommend that to any schizoids or introverts alike… Can’t really get any uglier… A fire evacuation from a big university would have been peachy compared to that one!

I obviously did not readjust my radar to the far heavier concentration of people here in Paris. And today, I felt like 20 years ago when I had to battle with myself to cross a subway station or a crowded street. And like then, I fell back to a really basic comportment: Total and complete shutdown…

The noise, the neon lighting, the fast movement of bodies around me… I was in total sensorial overstimulation, something I had under control for a long while I thought. When that happens, my brain is like an overheating CPU stalled into using all its processing power on unimportant tasks (filtering the “noises”), unable to free up some juice for the higher functions. I then enter in what I call “the zombie state”. Meaning my body is really on auto pilot. I breathe (tough It occurred to me to even skip a few inhales or exhales in the same situation in the old days), but just walking is a hard to impossible task… I could easily stay put in the middle of the crowd, not able to move or speak in some cases, just freakishly stuck in some endless loop.

We are talking living nightmare here, the full fledge concretization of the fearful “lost of control” that is the root of most schizoid personalities (at least mine).

Well today, today… It was bad… I had worse mind you, but it is a low point I had not hit in many years… I was WAY off. I mean I felt it myself. The way I stared, the way I walked, the way I looked at things around me… The overstimulation was gaining, I could feel it, and I could FEAR it. That adrenaline shoot that skydiving did not procure a few weeks ago? Well I got it today… that tells you what I am really scared of!

While I felt the uneasiness come, I recognized it right away. I was in the dead center of a three levels huge mall, and I knew so well to what extreme it could drive me… Adrenaline plus a few basic protocols (always know your emergency exits as soon as you enter any closed area), were here a life saver.

Standing out like I hate it, I managed to get to the far end of the mall. Taking the sub? In the beginning of rush hours, very bad idea in my actual state… Just going outside then? This is Paris La défense… The outside here (”le parvis, l’esplanade”) is the busiest corner of the capital, before “Les champs Elysée”. This is the equivalent to Wall Street at trading closure time… Again not a bright idea. Only two ways I could really go: Pace myself in a toilet booth, or sooth it all in the darkness of a movie theater…

I do like movie theaters; they have been such good friends to me. For some reasons, even crowded, as soon as the lights are off, I feel good. Luckily, it was around 16h00, so nobody was waiting to enter in long lines. I grabbed a ticket at the automatic booth, urged in, and calmed down in a nearly empty theater.

Of course the movie ended just a bit to early to escape the end of rush hours in the subway… So I waited, grabbed a bite, watched another movie, and finally took a late sub around 23h00. Finishing the day with the usual split headache a sensorial overstimulation episode never misses to bring…

Seems I have some heavy lifting to do to reacquaint with people density, mentality and culture (Jack, seriously, bargain week how could you miss that!) here. Well, I was born here after all; I should be able to adjust fairly quickly…

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Well, I think you’ve all been witnessing what « Idiosyncratic activities » can do… Come on think… Well you’ve at least witnessed it right here, right now!

Me “off line” for over six weeks => idiosyncratic activities. I’ll explain:

People with SPD are prone to idiosyncratic activities – don’t feel bad to look it up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiosyncrasy, I had to open a dictionary myself, even with my Greek background… - Well for SPD, that basically means that schizoids are doing stuff turned toward themselves – no kidding! –

Well in my case if you add just a little bit of obsessive-compulsive disorder and enough external factor that you want to occult (like, let’s say… moving back in France) it can result in a total lock down. Put the timelessness sensation on top of it and you can start to understand how I can be off radar for 6 weeks without having physically been gone anywhere or otherwise been sick.

I have those episodes once in a while. I mean I pretty much always have idiosyncratic activities, but from time to time it’s going overboard. Those times are the ones I could really turn into a hermit if I did not have a family to anchor me.

Those times are when my brain in stuck into ONE mode. The only thing I can focus on is the activity of the moment. Over the years, it has been as broad as writing books, designing web sites, tagging my MP3 collection, doing a 6000 pieces puzzle, etc…

Life during those periods can be resuming as follow:

•  Wake up thinking of a new stuff about the activity, starting to implement the new idea until someone or something recall me to go to work.
•  Commuting, thinking of my activity (noting stuff on paper or any electronic device accordingly), usually missing my stop, and then walking back to work.
•  Doing my work on autopilot, my mind set on my thing.
•  Skipping lunch (as I did breakfast), working on my thing during lunch.
•  Autopilot work again.
•  Same commuting (same missing stop half the time).
•  Blurry family evening, can’t say what is at the dinner table, can’t hear a thing about what is exchanged around the table.
•  Working on my thing all night until I literally fell from fatigue (usually 2 – 3 am).
•  Dreaming exclusively about ways to improve/add/change things on my project.
•  Repeat…

I am totally permeable to anything exterior. I can agree or disagree with things my wife is running by me without any recollection afterward. Work is just a big blur in the middle of my day – though apparently I can still manage to disarm critical situations, do not ask me how, I must be “that” good at my work… -

Once the “thing” is done, only then do I realize the amount of time passed, how hard it as been on my family, and what I have to pick up the slack for (studies, work, laundry, email…)

It’s not all bad – at least for me -. Some good things are coming out of this sometimes; like books, learning a lot of things (pretty sure I won’t be a system engineer nowadays otherwise)…

For you it will probably just appear as a big black hole in the blog. If it is under three months, then I am not dead yet. If it runs longer than that… You can start worrying if you wish…

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• We know the effects, but what are the causes? (5)
• How schizoid? (5)
• The fear of going crazy (4)
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If you have read the article about the causes of SPD, you might remember I promised to dig a little more in details about my case. If you did not read it, I suggest you do it now: http://schizoid-personality.110mb.com/inner-thoughts/we-know-the-effects-but-what-are-the-causes/

On the genetics front:

My dad was definitively an introvert. I clearly remember him enjoying working in is wood shop, all alone (he re-made both apartments we lived in, integrating furniture, closets, putting separations and such). When he was not in his shop, he was reading, and after the death of his parents, he was in their home (40km outside the city) all week-ends, gardening and doing handy work by himself.
I remember him murmuring to himself, stopping when he sensed another presence in the same room. He also had some body language (eyebrow rising, slight shrouding…) completely off topic with what was happening around him (especially around the dinner table), and I know now those were responses to his own train of thoughts since I happen to do the same from time to time

So introvert he was, for sure, but I miss more details to be able to know if he was “just” introvert or had fully developed a “disorder”. For example, he had always some socialisation with his coworkers (though usually to have some drinks after work). I’ve never seen him trying to dodge a family reunion (like I always do…) in fact we were at my grandparents once a week, rotating between paternal and maternal side for a long time. He was at ease with big reunions like weddings, birthdays, etc… Chatting and joking.

On my mom side I cannot see anything genetically tied to introversion or such. (and it seems I dodged the respiratory issues).

So yes if genetics are a defining factor (still not proven yet), then I have some assets in there.

Read the rest of this entry »

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My wife was thinking that at one point there will be no more sporting records to break. I mean human physiology has its limits, and our physiological evolution is way slower than our recent learning pace. So at one point all training techniques will not be able to make a human body go over its physical limitation…

At that point all sportsmen/sportswomen of a specific discipline will just tend towards the ultimate goal of the maximum record attainable for a human being, knowing it could not be break anymore.

Turns out, researching a bit the subject, that this theory is actually right. The IRMES (Institute for Biomedical Research and Sports Epidemiology in Paris) backed by four other university and medical research facilities produced a report stating than:

• in 1896 (first modern Olympic Games) 75% of the human integrated muscle biology was used to break world records.
• In 2007 Athletes are using 99% of the physical maximum potential.
• Half of the World records will not have improved more than 0,05% by 2027.
• The wall will be hit in 2060, when no more records could be break without substantial physical/genetic evolution.

Will we then bend dimensions and space time continuum to break those physical limitations with technology? (my wife’s idea, not mine) or will humankind start working on its mind improvement at last? Because let me remind you that we are very far from using 99% of the potential of our brains…

Who knows, starting 2060 we might see “Olympics Mind Games” with several disciplines like: spirit, mind, creativity, theory, culture, imagination, intelligence, troubleshooting…

Note: Reference article -> http://www.plosone.org/article/info:doi/10.1371/journal.pone.0001552

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When it comes to doing nothing, feeling empty, even worthless (since there is nothing you can do that will make a dent in the universe anyway, so why bother?) I had my share. The apathy is a very serious problem (probably the main cause of depression for schizoids), yet it’s pretty normal that this will occur in the course of that condition…

When you spend your life introverting, you cannot do otherwise but foreseeing things, playing with theories, “what ifs”, and when you do so, believe me, you cannot turn optimistic, at all… You see the world around you, you analyze it, you try to make sense of it, but when you are schizoid, few feelings are entering into the balance to dazzle you like the others, and you can just see it for what it is: A huge mistake spiraling down the drain exponentially!

Well the Universe I am fine with, the problem is human kind, mind you… Anyway… At first it was “I see it, I can make something about it”, then comes the “no way I can make them understand” and in the years “Who am I to think I could do something anyway”, then “Why the hell do I care, leave me alone”. But you see, we humans are genetically designed to be thrive onto “leaving a mark on the world”; making babies, building stuff (well breaking it is easier so that works well too…), shaping nature, defy the laws of our environment, playing gods… And when you consciously deny that to yourself because you are well aware of its absurdity, well your reptilian brain (deeper and more primal part of our brain) it does not like it… And it goes “You don’t want to make a mark? You don’t want to fulfill your prime programming? You don’t want to do a thing? Well then, DO NOTHING THEN, HAVE TASTE FOR NOTHING THEN, WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO LIE DOWN AND DIE THEN…” And that’s when the apathy begins… Read the rest of this entry »

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(Nancy, this one’s for you)

It’s time for me to post about something that I think even professionals are underestimating. There is little reference about “the fear of going crazy” for schizoids. And yet it is of capital importance, at least for me, I’ll explain why…

My mind is like one of those little spring toys that once wind upped won’t stop doing what they are meant to do. Even when they do stop, you just barely touch them and they go at it again.
Well my mind is meant to think and is wind up by thoughts. So you can imagine my mind like always thinking. And the more it thinks, the more it’s wind upped, and the more it’s wind upped, the more it thinks… That’s 24/7, every second of every minute of my life, restless… You can’t really understand what it means. My wife is the most empathic person I have ever known, and she can’t even start imagining what it’s like…
I mean, I am at the dinner table, talking, I get up to go pee, by the time I am upstairs I have travelled 3 million light years away thru a vortex that sucked me right from the stair case, I sit on the toilet and I am now peeling plantains in the 1750s on a remote island. As the drips fell done the bowl I wonder what will happen if the ballasts of a submarine were filled by an uncompressible gas instead of air, could it be released at a slower rate, smoothing the ride? I am back at the table exactly when the first computer more intelligent than any human being becomes aware of himself. I pick up the conversation around the table like nothing happened, realize that I probably did not flush, or did I? Can’t remember… Well my hands are misted, so at least I washed them… which makes me think: did I close the faucet? Well, let’s finish eating I’ll check discreetly after, why will a dog jump thru a hoop?…

Read the rest of this entry »

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