A schizoid personality

Far from huge social themes, extra complex analysis, or deep personal revelations, I thought today I should just share one of those tiny, tiny event that pave my days.

This morning, like any other work day, I left at 7h15, and made my 20 minutes stroll to the train station. I have been doing that for 8 months now. So I know the way to get there (and, mind you I knew the way before that because I already lived there, and had to make the same trip down the train station).

I like my morning stroll. I could easily get a bus to bring me to the station, but I rather prefer walking there. My itinerary goes thru really calm parts of town, so at this hour I am the only one walking in the streets, and it’s soothing, I can observe the streets, or more usually wander in my mind.

Well this morning, I was so into my own little world that, as I came across the long stairs I need to climb down, I actually continued forward for another 100 meters. Only then did I register I was on the wrong path, and turned around to get on tracks.

Nothing extraordinary, barely worth mentioning really. Who never missed its street in a moment of inattention? (Though it must still be less common while walking than while driving…)

BUT, the thing is, I KNEW I was missing my corner… Just took me 100m to accept that I had to go back

Here’s exactly what happened:

I am walking, thinking of a woman resurrecting from her ashes, like a Phoenix, and finally coming to terms with her long misunderstood powers (don’t ask, just accept I have strange thoughts sometimes…)

I see the stairs, I TURN MY HEAD and actually identify them. At that moment, it is very clear in my mind that I should turn. Yet, I continue forward, absorbed by the scene playing in my head. A little farther I think over the images filling my head “did you just passed the stairs? I think you did…” Only then do I stop, make my way back and get down the stairs, while continuing with my Phoenix lady story in the background… A quite typical morning for me indeed!

Related posts

• The fear of going crazy (2)
• The end of World records (2)
• Idiosyncratic activities (2)
• How schizoid? (2)
• Why the site? Why now? (1)

Well, I think you’ve all been witnessing what « Idiosyncratic activities » can do… Come on think… Well you’ve at least witnessed it right here, right now!

Me “off line” for over six weeks => idiosyncratic activities. I’ll explain:

People with SPD are prone to idiosyncratic activities – don’t feel bad to look it up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiosyncrasy, I had to open a dictionary myself, even with my Greek background… - Well for SPD, that basically means that schizoids are doing stuff turned toward themselves – no kidding! –

Well in my case if you add just a little bit of obsessive-compulsive disorder and enough external factor that you want to occult (like, let’s say… moving back in France) it can result in a total lock down. Put the timelessness sensation on top of it and you can start to understand how I can be off radar for 6 weeks without having physically been gone anywhere or otherwise been sick.

I have those episodes once in a while. I mean I pretty much always have idiosyncratic activities, but from time to time it’s going overboard. Those times are the ones I could really turn into a hermit if I did not have a family to anchor me.

Those times are when my brain in stuck into ONE mode. The only thing I can focus on is the activity of the moment. Over the years, it has been as broad as writing books, designing web sites, tagging my MP3 collection, doing a 6000 pieces puzzle, etc…

Life during those periods can be resuming as follow:

•  Wake up thinking of a new stuff about the activity, starting to implement the new idea until someone or something recall me to go to work.
•  Commuting, thinking of my activity (noting stuff on paper or any electronic device accordingly), usually missing my stop, and then walking back to work.
•  Doing my work on autopilot, my mind set on my thing.
•  Skipping lunch (as I did breakfast), working on my thing during lunch.
•  Autopilot work again.
•  Same commuting (same missing stop half the time).
•  Blurry family evening, can’t say what is at the dinner table, can’t hear a thing about what is exchanged around the table.
•  Working on my thing all night until I literally fell from fatigue (usually 2 – 3 am).
•  Dreaming exclusively about ways to improve/add/change things on my project.
•  Repeat…

I am totally permeable to anything exterior. I can agree or disagree with things my wife is running by me without any recollection afterward. Work is just a big blur in the middle of my day – though apparently I can still manage to disarm critical situations, do not ask me how, I must be “that” good at my work… -

Once the “thing” is done, only then do I realize the amount of time passed, how hard it as been on my family, and what I have to pick up the slack for (studies, work, laundry, email…)

It’s not all bad – at least for me -. Some good things are coming out of this sometimes; like books, learning a lot of things (pretty sure I won’t be a system engineer nowadays otherwise)…

For you it will probably just appear as a big black hole in the blog. If it is under three months, then I am not dead yet. If it runs longer than that… You can start worrying if you wish…

Related posts

• We know the effects, but what are the causes? (5)
• How schizoid? (5)
• The fear of going crazy (4)
• Why me? (3)
• The end of World records (3)

My wife was thinking that at one point there will be no more sporting records to break. I mean human physiology has its limits, and our physiological evolution is way slower than our recent learning pace. So at one point all training techniques will not be able to make a human body go over its physical limitation…

At that point all sportsmen/sportswomen of a specific discipline will just tend towards the ultimate goal of the maximum record attainable for a human being, knowing it could not be break anymore.

Turns out, researching a bit the subject, that this theory is actually right. The IRMES (Institute for Biomedical Research and Sports Epidemiology in Paris) backed by four other university and medical research facilities produced a report stating than:

• in 1896 (first modern Olympic Games) 75% of the human integrated muscle biology was used to break world records.
• In 2007 Athletes are using 99% of the physical maximum potential.
• Half of the World records will not have improved more than 0,05% by 2027.
• The wall will be hit in 2060, when no more records could be break without substantial physical/genetic evolution.

Will we then bend dimensions and space time continuum to break those physical limitations with technology? (my wife’s idea, not mine) or will humankind start working on its mind improvement at last? Because let me remind you that we are very far from using 99% of the potential of our brains…

Who knows, starting 2060 we might see “Olympics Mind Games” with several disciplines like: spirit, mind, creativity, theory, culture, imagination, intelligence, troubleshooting…

Note: Reference article -> http://www.plosone.org/article/info:doi/10.1371/journal.pone.0001552

Related posts

• Idiosyncratic activities (3)
• We know the effects, but what are the causes? (2)
• The fear of going crazy (2)
• How schizoid? (2)
• Doesn’t daddy love me anymore? (2)

(Nancy, this one’s for you)

It’s time for me to post about something that I think even professionals are underestimating. There is little reference about “the fear of going crazy” for schizoids. And yet it is of capital importance, at least for me, I’ll explain why…

My mind is like one of those little spring toys that once wind upped won’t stop doing what they are meant to do. Even when they do stop, you just barely touch them and they go at it again.
Well my mind is meant to think and is wind up by thoughts. So you can imagine my mind like always thinking. And the more it thinks, the more it’s wind upped, and the more it’s wind upped, the more it thinks… That’s 24/7, every second of every minute of my life, restless… You can’t really understand what it means. My wife is the most empathic person I have ever known, and she can’t even start imagining what it’s like…
I mean, I am at the dinner table, talking, I get up to go pee, by the time I am upstairs I have travelled 3 million light years away thru a vortex that sucked me right from the stair case, I sit on the toilet and I am now peeling plantains in the 1750s on a remote island. As the drips fell done the bowl I wonder what will happen if the ballasts of a submarine were filled by an uncompressible gas instead of air, could it be released at a slower rate, smoothing the ride? I am back at the table exactly when the first computer more intelligent than any human being becomes aware of himself. I pick up the conversation around the table like nothing happened, realize that I probably did not flush, or did I? Can’t remember… Well my hands are misted, so at least I washed them… which makes me think: did I close the faucet? Well, let’s finish eating I’ll check discreetly after, why will a dog jump thru a hoop?…

Read the rest of this entry »

Related posts

• How schizoid? (5)
• Relations between SPD and the other Personality Disorders (4)
• Idiosyncratic activities (4)
• We know the effects, but what are the causes? (3)
• Doesn’t daddy love me anymore? (3)

I’ve read a post on PsyForums where a teenager was wondering if he had SPD. A nice, definitively on the good side of the fence young man (not saying that because he is obviously a bit introvert). Made me wonder how many people think they could have a SPD…

So here is how schizoid I am (again it’s just me) so you can compare:

Read the rest of this entry »